The only thing less responsive than Congress to the American public is probably animation studios to cartoon fans. We demanded more cleavage, more violence and more sophisticated stories, yet “Polar Express” is the kind of dreck they churned out. It’s time we demanded better, thus our 10 Animated Movies That Would Blow Our Minds (But Probably Won’t Ever Happen).
10.”Thundarr the Barbarian”
One of the most underrated Hanna-Barbera cartoons of all time, Thundarr was like Luke Skywalker, Mad Max and Conan all rolled into one. Set in a wild future where science is mixed in sorcery, we see Megan Fox voicing the Aerial the wizard chick. (Of course, we see Megan Fox in a lot of our fantasies.) Maybe Thundarr would finally get to cut somebody in half with his light sword.
9. “G.I. Joe Animated” (with real violence)
Although the Joes hit the live-action screen this summer, we’d really like to see the old school animated characters again. Only this time, let the bullets work and splatter Cobra Commander’s brains across whatever giant toy he’s driving toward the Joes. This sequence from the “Venture Brothers” is the only thing that has ever come close. Speaking of which…
8. “The Venture Brothers”
Although we are torn between an animated one and what a live-action one might look like to get the true Venture feel we’d need it just like the “Adult Swim” toon. The thought of two hours of Brock Samson wailing on the Monarch and Rusty Venture’s inevitable failures is enough to give us major cartoon wood.
7. “The Transformers II”
No we’re not talking about that Michael Bay thing. We want a squeal to the animated movie. The first movie included the last acting job of Orson Wells and Bubblebee uttering, “Oh, sh*t!” Anything has to be better than the three hours of Shia LaBeouf and endless low angle helicopter shots. Besides, we want to be able to buy toys of all the characters, and we don’t need a John Turturro action figure.
6. “Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters Sequel”
Probably the greatest anti-movie ever made deserves a sequel. Besides, we still have lots of pot left over from the first movie. For those of you that panned it, we get it. It doesn’t make sense. That’s why we told you to bring more pot. And we want the sequel to make even less sense than the first movie. We think we have a pretty good shot at this one, considering the first one was probably made for like $250 and $200 was probably spent on this poster.
5. “Judge Dredd”
They couldn’t get Dredd right in the live-action movie, probably because no one could understand what the Hell that mush mouth Sly Stallone was saying. Also, what was the deal with Rob Schneider? Why don’t you just put Pauly Shore and Carrot Top in there why you’re at it? And Dredd don’t ever remove his helmet, fanboys. Never ever. An epic cartoon could finally capture what the on-set egos could not. Long live Dredd!
4. “South Park II”
We’re pretty sure there are still a few curse words left in the English language Parker and Stone left out in the first movie. Plus, we’ve yet to see any female naughty bits in the “South Park “style. While rumors persist, until the creators come up with a good idea we’ll just have to live with the sweet TV show. We can only hope they become desperate heroine addicts and are forced to do the sequel to avoid giving h*ndj*bs for smack.
3. “Akira”
Akira is awesome, but a movie based on the entire run of the comics would be even more awesome and much longer. We estimate six hours, but that’s a conservative estimate. Perhaps they could show it in special movie houses with chamber pots beneath your seat. Intermission is for the weak!
2. “Star Wars” sequel to “Return of the Jedi”
F*ck the prequels, we want Luke Skywalker and Han Solo. Most of the cast is getting pretty long in the tooth to do a live action one, so why not a full length animated cartoon? This could be the movie that redeems the Lucas legacy (if he can just avoid stuffing it with toys and video games in every other scene). We all know how the Clone Wars eventually pan out, so where’s the fun in watching that? Get with the program, George. Call Irvin Kershner and Lawrence Kasdan and make it happen.
1. Kevin Smith’s “Superman”
Kevin Smith wrote a movie for Superman, and he’s been talking about it ever since. We actually read it, and it’s pretty damned awesome. Clearly it needs to be made , but after “Jersey Girl,” who could give Kevin the reigns of a blockbuster? It has to be an animated movie. We can’t risk Ben Affleck or Jay donning the cape.
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