The eternal struggle: Betty vs. Veronica, Wilma vs. Betty, Dr. Girlfriend vs. Moltov Cocktease. Who could choose amongst these cartoon babes when they all have perfect skin, perfectly symmetrical noses and double torpedo chests? But wonder in your parents’ basement no longer, fanboys. Today we settle the question and rank, once and for all (or at least until we get bored and do it again) the top ten coochies of TV cartoons. And no, we’re not including Anime. Get your fan service somewhere else you little Japanese junkie perv.
10. Daphne from “Scooby-Doo”
There’s a reason Fred left Shaggy and Velma with the dog. He never ran into the ghost. He was too busy making sweet, sweet love to this fine cartoon fox. (That’s what ladies were called back then) Not that Shaggy would ever notice. He was so baked he was seeing “ghosts” everywhere. They didn’t call her “Danger-Prone Daphne” because she didn’t like to do it in a haunted house with some guy running around in a creepy mascot outfit.
9. Cheetara from “Thundercats”
Look at her! She’s naked! That’s not a costume, that’s just her fur with a belt! Who wouldn’t want some crazy chick that runs around naked wailing on mummies?! C’mon, that’s hot! Plus she’s half cat and probably has some freaky cat moves no human woman could do. Bring over a little catnip and the party is on!
8. Marge Simpson from “The Simpsons”
Look, we all know Marge puts out. Not only that, if that moron Homer can talk her into the sack certainly you have a shot, fanboy. I mean, she gets freaky on miniature golf courses, and she did once publicly expose her funbags to all of Springfield.
7. The Baroness from “G.I. Joe”
If you’ve been a bad boy, I think the Baroness has a spanking waiting for you. Any woman who wants to take over the world, but dresses like she runs a stable of slaves and businessmen that like diaper play, has got to know what she’s doing in the bedroom. No one tell Megan Fox that world domination is a possible occupation.
6. Betty Boop
Betty Boop is the kind of girl your great-grandfather masturbated to and with good reason. Back then, people only had sex once for each time they got married. But cartoon characters didn’t count and during the war, Betty made many-a soldier cry in his pants.
5. Jem of “Jem and the Holograms”
Ah, the 80’s! Where the only thing bigger than your dreams was your girlfriend’s hair. Of course, we didn’t have girlfriends back in the 80’s so Jem was a quick substitute. Jem may have played horrible music, dressed in ridiculous ’80s fashion, but we all wondered if her hot pink collar matched her cuffs.
4. “Aeon Flux”
The great thing about Aeon, you know another girl in the mix is no big deal for her. Any woman that can get killed on a daily basis or make out with her own clone, isn’t going to nitpick when you bring her hot friend (or clone) along for naked fun time. Bonus points for Aeon pioneering the exposure of the “under boob” for cartoon women everywhere.
3. Francine Smith from “American Dad”
Seth McFarlane fans will tell you it is Lois Griffin, but the true hot babe of the McFarlanverse is Francine Smith. She’s blonde and an ex-rock groupie. And let’s face it, she married a manly CIA agent, while Lois married a fat idiot that is legally retarded. You know under that Stepford Wife exterior lays a tiger of burning desire. The only down side? If you’re actually able to have cartoon sex with Francine, you’ll probably get cartoon killed by Stan.
2. Harley Quinn from “Batman: The Animated Series”
Maybe it’s the skin tight outfit and the hot bod inside, but Harley is a hottie. And it doesn’t hurt that she is probably having a fling with her pal, Poison Ivy, in between breaking the Joker out of jail. Crazy chick = crazily good in the sack. The only down side, of course, is she might just decide to kill you or hit you with a giant mallet to impress her boss. Ah, well, the price of love.
1. Moltov Cocktease from “The Venture Bros.”
Brock Samson’s true love is not only deadly, but takes cleavage to a whole new level. Any woman that can take a punch in the face by a toilet and still get up to fight is one durable cutie. We think you’d better leave this one alone, fanboy.
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